The first group are those who, upon learning of your loved one's death, will immediately send their condolences, either via online methods or a snailmail card, and some even send thoughtful gifts (like the one in the photo above).
Those in the second group will say, "ok, but what about my needs; you haven't answered my question yet." These are people who must believe the world revolves around them.
The third group of people choose to ignore it, refusing to acknowledge your loss in any way. I'm not sure what to make of these folks.
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all my friends (online and IRL) who fall in the first group. Thank you for your good wishes and love; I am grateful to have all of you in my life!
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~ Douglas Adams
17 comments:
What a sweet person to send you a gift. You do have wonderful friends.
I like to think that the third group feels really badly, but just doesn't know how to express it. That being said, I do wonder about those people who you think are close who don't take the time to express their sympathy. However, I was also pleasantly surprised to receive cards from people I really didn't expect to hear from.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Hope you're doing okay. I do agree with Epicure68 that many people in the third group just doesn't know what to say and become immobilized as a result. I have known a couple of people in the 2nd group. People who actually go to a funeral and manage to make such scenes that everyone ends up focusing on them rather than the dearly departed or the loved ones who are mourning so terribly. I really don't understand that group of people.
Epi, I think some in that third group might be as you described them, but I think others just don't even process that someone had a loss. :}
Maureen, I'm doing pretty well, thanks! Having had some time to prepare myself for my mom's death helped. I can't imagine making a scene anywhere, let alone at someone else's funeral...but I hear ya; I actually know someone who did that too. She is a very self-centered individual.
Dear Teresa, I am SO sorry I have not visited enough to know that your mother passed away. I'm so sorry....but I am so happy you were able to visist with her recently. It's so hard losing a loved one but I suppose that is the process of life. *sigh* So true what you have said in this post though....so true having gone through all that myself with my dad's passing five years ago. The kitties and I send lots of hugs and love and Quincy, especially, wants to give you a big fur ball loving hug for you. xoxo
Thank you, Michelle! I'm sorry that you had to go through the same thing with your dad's death. Hugs back for you and your very sweet kitties (and extra hugs for my favorite ball of fur!).
Maureen, are those people who make a scene at funerals also trying out for reality shows like Big Brother? ;)
Teresa, do you have people in mind when you say they don't process? I want names! ;>
Epi, of course I have names, but I'll email them to you because apparently a lot of people actually read my blog that I'm not aware of. ;)
As for that third group, I truly believe it's the problem of not knowing what to say.
When both my parents passed I found there is an awkwardness to interactions that followed the death. When you respond immediately it is "easy" to know what to say, but what about after some time has gone by? Then some people find it easier to ignore the elephant in the room, rather than worry about sticking their foot in it's droppings.
I read a time travel novel years ago that made a point about how we are too distant from dieing these days and it makes it harder on us as a society to handle death (as compared to when the family had to clean and prepare the body for burial and that was really part of the mourning/grief process and a chance for the community to respond). The idea really stuck with me.
Meg, was the novel Connie Willis'? :) Re the third group: I had posted to an e-grp (not the IHEN because I don't actually know those ppl, but another one where I've known most of members for four to seven years) that I couldn't answer a certain question because my mom had just died, we were in Vancouver for the funeral, and I didn't know then when exactly we'd be home. 2 of those members immediately emailed me to let me know how sorry they were to hear it. Another demanded I answer the question. And another (the one I've known for the longest) said nothing at all. Very interesting.
Demanded, that's a trip.
No the book wasn't one of Willis's, it was published by a historian in Noblesville (I think) and must have had a small run because even shortly after it was published (a friend bought it and loaned it to me) it was hard to find.
I'll see if I can find the author.
While we were in NY, my niece lost her father (Doreen's ex). My niece was described as being in hysterics. This made it hard to know what to say. Well it's hard enough knowing what to say, but ... I'm hoping like what you said about just acknowledging her loss and offering our help if needed will be of some help. You sound like you're doing well. I'm glad.
I'm really sorry to hear of your niece's loss. Is Doreen doing ok? Would it be appropriate if I PMed her on FB?
I can certainly understand why it would be hard/impossible to say anything to someone who was in hysterics...however, 1) I wasn't in hysterics, so can appreciate an appropriate condolence response, and 2) the person in hysterics would likely not be able to remember any of the details around her during the time of loss, nor ponder the range of human behavior in response to a tragedy.
Sometimes it takes the really hard times in life to find out who our true friends are. As hard as death is, sometimes I think it's God's way of reminding us to appreciate life.
So glad you have kind thoughtful people to give you such a thoughtful gift.
Happy Tuesday!
Teresa, I think this post summed up some of my recent feelings. I am so thankful for the first group, the second makes me sad and the third I just can't understand. Grieving is such a difficult process; sometimes just the smallest word or gesture has the greatest effect.
You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks. Beautiful picture of your thoughtful gift.
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